Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde.
Welcome to my blog! I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a granddaughter and most importantly…..I am ME! My name is Melanie and I am the mother of two children who I absolutely love, even when they frustrate the heck out of me. I have been a single mother for 16 years. A few years ago, I was told that I have PTSD from trauma that I have endured for most of my life as well as depression and anxiety. When I was informed about the PTSD, I was taken aback as I didn’t honestly realize that it could happen to me until my therapist began to list off everything I had told her that had happened to me, beginning with the age of 5 or 6 years of age and had continued into my 30s. I am now 40 years old and still have not come to the point in my life where I am not controlled by my past and the fears it has instilled in me.
So why a blog?
I had thought about writing a blog for many, many years but never did for the simple reason that “everyone was doing it”. Seems like the right answer, yes? No!! I should have started years ago when I had people encouraging me but I was scared to. Scared of rejection, of fear, of looking like a fool, of not having anyone read anything I wrote. Now here I am many years later doing what “those people” tried to encourage me to do, trying not to let those same fears rule over me. I can pretend that there isn’t a voice inside of me that is trying to beat me down, telling me that I won’t succeed. That I won’t be able to reach anyone and that everything I write or talk about is nonsense and that no one cares……but I can’t tell you that. For tonight, I am ignoring that voice and hoping that as time goes on the voice will become quieter and quieter until it eventually disappears and a new voice is heard. A voice of encouragement, of pride, of knowing that I reached even one person and was able to give them courage or support in any part of their life.
This blog will be my story. My life. My words. My thoughts. I want to share with you everything that I can and that I am able. It could be the ramblings of a frustrated mother as her kid doesn’t empty the dishwasher because they didn’t realize it needed to be emptied or it could be something about my past and lessons that I have learnt from it or am still trying to learn. I may talk about the newest recipe that I made or how the icy roads make me frustrated as everyone drives at a snails pace and I am running late for work. I hope to take this blog a day at a time and see what develops and to see where it leads me. Please be patient as I learn my way around this new path and please feel free to leave comments or questions for me. Let’s get this thing started!!
Alright……I have been horrible at keeping up with my writing and just realized that the year is half done. My life has been a roller coaster this year with a wedding that was going to be and then thankfully, wasn’t; new romances and adventures and then finally being able to work without my depression, anxiety and the constant whirlwind of emotions that I seem to have on a daily basis.
First thing to be thankful for is the fact that I have been working for a few weeks now and it is going amazingly well. I enjoy my coworkers and the work that I do helps the days go by quicker than they have been while sitting at home. I have broken out in hives only a few times so that is evidence enough, for me, that I am less stressed.
I have had chronic hives off and on for about a year now. I have done testing and been taking a concoction of medications (both over the counter and prescription) to find the cause of the hives and to keep them maintained, if not gone from my body. Test results seem to point to stress being the cause and there is no timeline for knowing if they will ever fully leave or if they will continue to keep gracing me with their presence for the remainder of my life. Yay hives and stress!!!!! Not really…….
Now to tell you about the wedding that I’m thankful never happened…….an old room mate of mine reconnected with me and we decided to go on a date. Things happened fairly quickly and within a few months, we were living together and engaged. The wedding date was set and then I realized that I hated what my life had become with this person. I was grouchy and irritable and would rather sleep on the couch than to crawl into bed with this man. The icing on the cake was that he kept commenting that he was with me so he could brag that he was “with the hot girl that he couldn’t have when he was younger.” Seriously??!! That was his goal……to date me just to say he could. I talked to him about postponing the wedding and that was ill received and then following an issue between our children, he said he would be moving a few things back to his old place for a bit to have everyone settle down and promptly moved EVERY THING of his out. His parting blow was a call to the cops because I asked for my apartment keys back and he asked for the ring back and I told him to “go to Hell.” The door was closed and locked following that comment. I haven’t heard from him since and my happiness has returned.
I have realized that I do jump into things to quickly and I really do need to realize that if things are meant to be, they will be. It may take time before things happen but the journey is worth the walk in order to stay out of the poison ivy that is covering the shorter path.
I hope everyone is holding up well with this crazy year and that your health has been great. Remember to stay safe and don’t be afraid to tell everyone to stay out of your personal space. Talk to you all again soon. (I will make sure not to let another 6 months pass before writing again).
To the lady in front of me in the Tim Horton’s drive through…….Thank you! Thank you for making my day brighter. Thank you for showing me that generosity is alive and that there is still good people in the world.
You see, there was no way for you to know that I had just made another trip to the hospital to visit my daughter and her unborn child that morning. It was one visit of many during the week since she had been admitted for such intense pain that she could not even drink a sip of water without vomiting it back up. The pain was so intense that she could not sit, lay, nor walk without crying because of the pain. This was not labour pain, just pregnancy pain that would not ease up. It made me cry to see her like this, knowing there was absolutely nothing that I could do to help.
My order may have only been five dollars. A hot chocolate for me and a bagel to feed my youngest who has been patient with me as I continue to not find even 20 minutes to watch a movie with them because of the constant trips to the hospital to take care of my other child who needs me. It was only a five dollar order but when I pulled up to the window to pay and was informed that you had paid for it already tears began to roll down my cheeks when he confirmed that my order was paid for.
Your kindness did not go without notice. I told my youngest about you when I got home and finally sat down to watch a movie together. I told my oldest and her husband about you as we sat in the hospital room together, listening to baby’s heartbeat. And now I am telling everyone else about you….the lady who helped make my day so much better……just by being kind. You are truly a blessing in this world. Thank you!!
Do you ever sit down and reflect on the past month as a new month begins? I know a lot of us do, myself included. I do this to remember the good moments and to also think of the bad moments and to reflect on how I got through them. I feel that each new month is a time of new starts or a time of getting my life together…….finally. If my life ever “got together”, I’m not quite sure I would know what to do with myself. I am so use to running on auto pilot and frantic stressed mode that to not have those modes would seem foreign to me.
I start December off with bringing my oldest home from the hospital. All is well which I am thankful for. My oldest is pregnant (Yay!!!!!!) and due in February and was having some pain in her back so we took her to the hospital and they admitted her overnight to help treat the pain and make sure that baby is doing well. Now, if you are a parent, you know that no matter the age of your child, you are in instant parent mode when they are hurt or ill and do everything in your power to help ease their pain and discomfort. To leave your child in the hospital, even just for one night, is heart wrenching but it had to be done. I did wake at 6 am to her awake and not wanting to wake her husband, who stayed by her side overnight; she and I talked a bit and she sent me sound clips of the baby’s heartbeat. The most wonderful sound a mother can hear is her child’s heartbeat; whether it be child or grandchild, the heartbeat is a truly powerful sound that can instantly soothe a person. It is moments like these that bring us closer together and that create these memories that we can relive many times over with happiness.
The bad part of all this is that I woke up with my entire body, minus hands and feet, covered in hives. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing half your face red and swollen after thinking you got an excellent night’s rest. My mind betrayed me!!!! This isn’t the first time I have broken out in hives, this would be the second time in a month that it has been this bad. Last time involved 2 trips to the emergency room and being hooked up to a heart monitor as they shot me full of allergy medications and histamine blockers to try to ease my discomfort and pain. After that ordeal, I saw an allergy specialist and those tests came back good. Nothing new on the results so I left with his words of calling him for more tests if the hives happened again, which he was sure wouldn’t. In fact, he assured me that it was an extremely low likely hood that they would return as he felt it was a complete fluke that I had them this bad with no previous outbreaks. Well…….THEY DID!!!!!! I don’t mind the small patches I occasionally get as I can usually cover them with clothing of some sort, but my face……..not really possible when you work with the public and your uniform does not involve face coverings. In fact, my work attire enhances my face as my hair must be pulled back away from my face so my face, ears, neck and all those lovely patches of hives can be seen and gawked at by every single person who walks through the door. I fully believe that everyone is beautiful in some way, but red patches and swollen eyelids does not help my confidence when people are very vocal about what they see and asking if you are alright. Maybe I could get a name tag that read “My name is Melanie. Please do not comment on my unattractive splotches as I am aware that they are there. No! I am not contagious”. If only it was that simple.
Ahhhh life, how entertaining you are. I can’t wait to see what adventures December brings!